This is fascinating, Leslie. As an introvert, I particularly resonated with the 'looking attentive' and noticed how often I can drift off on an inner tangent. I'll need to pay more attention to actually listening.
I don't think anyone can listen 'well' or 'actively' or 'intentionally' all the time. It takes intention and effort. But there are many times when I realize I need to really listen to this person, right now, especially when I sense there are emotions present or just below the surface. Sometimes it can be the people we see the most who don't get our best listening. I live alone now and I don't have as many opportunities to listen as when I was working. You never know when you'll have a conversation that connects with someone and makes a difference for both of you.
Leslie, your post spoke to me today. I am moved to take the time to be a better listener. To quiet myself and become open to what another is saying. I have started with my 2 year old cat today. We often listen to classical music together because he has always been comforted by such music. But, I am often doing the dishes, or scrolling on my phone as the music plays. Today we listened to the music together, and he purred his delight! Thank you for waking me to my need to be a better listener!
Thank you Sandy. Animals are good companions and they seem to listen well too. I had a German Shepherd, with soulful brown eyes and a slightly wrinkled brow of concern, always seemed like he was listening to every word. And a cat's purr definitely lets you know you have been understood.
A lot of people are so wrapped up in themselves that they forget to listen, don't know how to listen, and suffer consequently. I was recently with a friend who suddenly got on his high horse and started shouting his political views and never listened once to anyone who tried to answer or enter into the conversation. It was awful. It was a one way conversation that precluded anyone else. I can't tell you what he said because I didn't want to listen!
As you say:" True listening is a form of selflessness, a hospitality of the mind." Perfect.
I agree, Rosalind, that many people don't seem to know how to listen and it cuts them off from one of the key ways to connect to others. We have speech classes, we need some listening classes too! Although it does seem that the best way to want to learn how to listen is to experience the beautiful affirmation of being listen to with full attention and without judgement.
Yes and it is hard. I read somewhere that the 'flaws' that challenge us the most to accept in others are in fact the one's we have been unable to even acknowledge in ourselves.
Leslie, a beautiful essay. And an important one. Thank you for sharing and for serving your readers by helping us to listen better.
When one listens the way you describe - you can “listen someone’s soul into existence” because you are listening for them, not the information being communicated, or your opinions and judgments, but for them, for their heart, for their soul, for the Divine in them.
I find that when I am able to do that - however rarely because I’m not very good at it - I find part of my soul in their soul.
That is beautiful expressed, James. I only know you through your writing and your comments here, but I am certain you are a wonderful listener, I know you are a wonderful reader. What I think many people miss is that it is as privileged a connection to listen as to be listened to and love is experienced in the giving and in the receiving.
“What I think many people miss is that it is as privileged a connection to listen as to be listened to and love is experienced in the giving and in the receiving.”
Yes! The story about Disraeli and Gladstone is a lesson in itself. It reminds me of a man I once knew—rather full of himself, I thought—who charmed women with his gift for listening to them. He would say to every female tablemate, “Tell me the story of your life.” She always did. This man became the love of my mother’s life, in the ruins of her first marriage. He listened to her as my father did not. He gave her 14 happy years. I didn’t much like him, which didn’t matter.
I remember your wonderful story about your mother and the 'love of her life', as is this week's story of her friendship with Rose. We were definitely on the same wavelength this week! I will be listening to Joan Baez all morning. Take care, Rona.
It’s uncanny, isn’t it? Sometimes you don’t have to look far to find amazement. I’m glad that story of my mother’s great love, a favorite of mine, left an impression.
I loved this, Leslie! Listening - truly listening, to understand, without judgment - is a priceless gift we can each give to each other. I am thrilled that you dedicated this post to it!
This is fascinating, Leslie. As an introvert, I particularly resonated with the 'looking attentive' and noticed how often I can drift off on an inner tangent. I'll need to pay more attention to actually listening.
I don't think anyone can listen 'well' or 'actively' or 'intentionally' all the time. It takes intention and effort. But there are many times when I realize I need to really listen to this person, right now, especially when I sense there are emotions present or just below the surface. Sometimes it can be the people we see the most who don't get our best listening. I live alone now and I don't have as many opportunities to listen as when I was working. You never know when you'll have a conversation that connects with someone and makes a difference for both of you.
Yes! Sometimes it is the people we're closest to who are not receiving our most attentive listening.
So true, connection is what we're all seeking and especially need in this chaotic time.
Leslie, your post spoke to me today. I am moved to take the time to be a better listener. To quiet myself and become open to what another is saying. I have started with my 2 year old cat today. We often listen to classical music together because he has always been comforted by such music. But, I am often doing the dishes, or scrolling on my phone as the music plays. Today we listened to the music together, and he purred his delight! Thank you for waking me to my need to be a better listener!
Thank you Sandy. Animals are good companions and they seem to listen well too. I had a German Shepherd, with soulful brown eyes and a slightly wrinkled brow of concern, always seemed like he was listening to every word. And a cat's purr definitely lets you know you have been understood.
A lot of people are so wrapped up in themselves that they forget to listen, don't know how to listen, and suffer consequently. I was recently with a friend who suddenly got on his high horse and started shouting his political views and never listened once to anyone who tried to answer or enter into the conversation. It was awful. It was a one way conversation that precluded anyone else. I can't tell you what he said because I didn't want to listen!
As you say:" True listening is a form of selflessness, a hospitality of the mind." Perfect.
I agree, Rosalind, that many people don't seem to know how to listen and it cuts them off from one of the key ways to connect to others. We have speech classes, we need some listening classes too! Although it does seem that the best way to want to learn how to listen is to experience the beautiful affirmation of being listen to with full attention and without judgement.
In order to listen well you have to accept or at least understand people's flaws. That's what makes us interesting after all
Yes and it is hard. I read somewhere that the 'flaws' that challenge us the most to accept in others are in fact the one's we have been unable to even acknowledge in ourselves.
well exactly
Leslie, a beautiful essay. And an important one. Thank you for sharing and for serving your readers by helping us to listen better.
When one listens the way you describe - you can “listen someone’s soul into existence” because you are listening for them, not the information being communicated, or your opinions and judgments, but for them, for their heart, for their soul, for the Divine in them.
I find that when I am able to do that - however rarely because I’m not very good at it - I find part of my soul in their soul.
🙏
That is beautiful expressed, James. I only know you through your writing and your comments here, but I am certain you are a wonderful listener, I know you are a wonderful reader. What I think many people miss is that it is as privileged a connection to listen as to be listened to and love is experienced in the giving and in the receiving.
Leslie - this is so beautiful and true. Lovely 🥰
“What I think many people miss is that it is as privileged a connection to listen as to be listened to and love is experienced in the giving and in the receiving.”
And thank you for the compliment. ❤️
Yes! The story about Disraeli and Gladstone is a lesson in itself. It reminds me of a man I once knew—rather full of himself, I thought—who charmed women with his gift for listening to them. He would say to every female tablemate, “Tell me the story of your life.” She always did. This man became the love of my mother’s life, in the ruins of her first marriage. He listened to her as my father did not. He gave her 14 happy years. I didn’t much like him, which didn’t matter.
I remember your wonderful story about your mother and the 'love of her life', as is this week's story of her friendship with Rose. We were definitely on the same wavelength this week! I will be listening to Joan Baez all morning. Take care, Rona.
It’s uncanny, isn’t it? Sometimes you don’t have to look far to find amazement. I’m glad that story of my mother’s great love, a favorite of mine, left an impression.
I loved this, Leslie! Listening - truly listening, to understand, without judgment - is a priceless gift we can each give to each other. I am thrilled that you dedicated this post to it!