We know when someone is listening, really paying attention to a conversation— it is an emotional experience, in person or online, one to one or in a small group. And we know when they aren’t. We also know that it takes energy and focus to give that level of attention.
I like Webinars more than Zoom gatherings. Speaking for myself, it is almost impossible to maintain that attention in a Zoom audience of dozens. It never feels to me like a ‘lecture’ where you are listening for information, but like a gathering where the speaker expects my attention. I’m not part of an audience in front of them, I am close up on a screen. I get tired pretending to look present and often end up people watching. If I am the person that the speaker looks at, my posture and attention may be disappointing.
Listening is too important to pretend. So where am I going with this? Where I am always going—urging each us to value the human power of our ability to listen and rebuild our connections to one another and the world around us. How and where we listen makes a difference. If we are talking one to one on Zoom or in a breakout of a few people, I can listen with full attention.
There are so many cartoons and jokes about listening (and not listening) especially between people who know and love each other. It can be funny and painful and end relationships.
Listening is Hospitality
We are familiar with the non-verbal communication that we instinctively pick up from a speaker, but are not always as conscious of the more important non-verbal cues we, as listeners, communicate to the speaker.
Good listeners seem to have a presence that draws people to them. They are warm, invite trust and are easy to talk to. You leave their company feeling both understood and refreshed. This mostly comes across nonverbally, and I think of this power as a hospitality, a hospitality of the spirit. You can feel the welcome and acceptance of your listener, you experience the trustworthiness, you open a little bit more in their light.
We call it listening, but synonyms and historical equivalents also inform what is happening—attending, heeding, minding, marking, pondering.
This hospitality of listening is a state of mind. There may be an initial invitation, “Would you like to talk about that, I’d be glad to listen,” “I’m listening” or “I’m here” and then there is a silent openness and invitation.
Some non-verbal signals from the listener match those the listener is aware of in the person speaking, but there is also an intangible curiosity that reflect the listener’s willingness to set aside her self focus and fully direct attention and effort to understanding the other person and their feelings.
Listening is also a Welcome to those Closest to Us
We often think of Hospitality as a kindness we offer to acquaintances, guests, even strangers, but it is also a caring attitude toward our family and those we know and love. We want them to feel comfortable, welcome and valued too.
When I feel disconnected from someone I love or care about, I know I have to slow down and really listen to them. I need to be attentive, not to a person I think I know so well that I know how they will react or respond, but as this unique person in my presence right now. I need to reconnect.
“People are just as wonderful as sunsets if you let them be. When I look at a sunset, I don’t find myself saying, “Soften the orange a bit on the right hand corner.” I don’t try to control a sunset. I watch with awe as it unfolds.” 1
No matter how well we know someone, they can always surprise us. When the relationship is long, we need to know and accept them where are they are right now. It might not be the same place as the past, you have to keep listening to notice.
Have you ever watched a sunset, thought it was over, only to see it get more brilliant, or more subtle, or you turn away and see it reflect on the hills behind you? You think that is all, but there is more. Listening is like that. You know you have been listening well, when after you respond, the person lights up, nods their head or may even exclaim, “Exactly” or “Yes, thank you.” They feel truly seen and heard.
Characteristics of a Good Listener
So what does this hospitality of listening actually look like? Here are the tangible ways it shows up:
Attentive and Present-A good listener is in the moment, they stop their inner monologue, they postpone assumptions, set aside judgements and give undivided attention to the person talking. It is as if they have an imaginary flashlight and all of the light is focused on the person talking.
Body language, posture, movement- The good listener communicates presence and openness to the person talking. A slight lean forward emphasizes attentiveness. On the other hand, folded arms can communicate being closed off. The good listener sits still, minimizing fidgeting, movements that might reflect impatience or lack of attention.
Eye contact-The good listener’s eye contact indicates attention and warmth, but avoids too long a stare that might be disconcerting. Keep in mind there are important cultural sensitivities to eye contact.
Facial expression- The good listener communicates encouragement. Movements like nodding the head, smiling or adding ‘yes’ or just ‘Mmm hmm” signal an open mind without interruption. Even when the listener disagrees, they continue to listen to understand the other person and what they believe. There will be an appropriate time for ‘discussion’.
Eliminate distractions-The good listener avoids distraction. Ideally cellphones are off and out of sight. Important conversations are best in a setting offering privacy, confidentiality and quiet.
Patience-Patience is the calling card of good listening. When the person talking is struggling to express a thought or feeling, it can take enormous patience not to interrupt and ‘help them out’ by finishing the sentence. The good listener quietly listens through the pause as the speaker mentally searches for their right words.
Clarifying understanding-When the story appears to be complete, the listener may need to ask questions to fully understand what the speaker has expressed without evaluation whether they, the listener agree.
But You Say, Wait a Minute!
Before you think I’m suggesting we become emotional sponges for everyone we meet, let me acknowledge the complexity here.
There are many different forms and purposes of conversation and listening. If this is a discussion, ideally the speaker will be willing to offer you the same gracious listening. Especially if this is a close relationship. They will be more likely to do so, if they know you have made an effort to hear and understand them.
If this is a social conversation and you have encountered someone who won't stop talking, you can try to change the subject or make a graceful exit from the monologue. If you can't continue to listen with genuine interest, you aren't really listening anyway. You won’t fool yourself or others if you continue to listen because you don’t know how to end the conversation. Sometimes it become an issue of boundaries.
Sometimes even empathic listening to someone who is in deep pain can’t continue when a good listener recognizes that their abilities are not enough. Listening to a person with extreme emotional or psychological needs can exhaust you and not satisfy their true needs. They may need more professional assistance. The relationship that you establish through your sensitive listening may help you to make this recommendation to them.
Listening changes you and changes the person you listen to:
“Listening is much more than allowing another to talk while waiting for a chance to respond. Listening is paying full attention to others and welcoming them into our very beings. The beauty of listening is that those who are listened to start feeling accepted, start taking their words more seriously and discovering their true selves.”2
Rogers, Carl, A Way of Being (1980)
Nouwen, Henri, "Bread for the Journey: A Daybook of Wisdom and Faith"
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A great post, Leslie. And thank you so much for the Beyond Bloomsbury mention and link 🩵
Great insights Leslie. The vast majority of people, myself included, need to improve our listening skills. I think our instinct of being in a hurry is a huge factor. Listening takes time, and we feel like we need to move the conversation along, to get to our turn.